5 Steps to Say What You Mean Without Insulting Your Partner

Did I hear that correctly? Did she actually say those words? Did he just call her a name? Did they insult each other? Is this person not going to acknowledge the hurt that they have caused? Or is the person who got hurt going to continue to pretend they are okay?

Welcome to Couples Therapy.

Love is a beautiful thing. Relationships are nurturing. When two people come together, emotions run high and fast. It happens to all of us who are (un)lucky enough to find ourselves attached to another human being. We desire each other daily. We want to be connected, emotionally and physically.

In a culture that values individual independence, this deep-rooted need to be connected to someone highlights our vulnerability. It’s hard to admit to ourselves that we are strong and yet we need a connection to someone. This vulnerability makes us feel weak and unworthy of others’ love. Yet, it’s this precise vulnerability that opens us up to connection, to love.

And when we feel vulnerable, we want to appear strong, so we lash out at our partner. The same person that we want to be connected to and loved by.

So how do we express our vulnerability to our partner rather than insult them?

STEP 1:  SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!

Between us girls, this one is my go-to in any conflict, both in my sessions and in my own marriage. You’ve seen me use this in my other articles as well. Especially when it comes to listening and sharing.

When we’re vulnerable, it’s very easy to feel hurt, rejected, or ignored by our partner. The emotional pain floods our nervous system and we want to respond immediately. Unfortunately, immediately is often where some of our worst relationship decisions live.

You don’t have to respond the moment you feel something painful. Give yourself time to figure out what you’re actually feeling before you blurt something out that will make your partner feel just as hurt as you are.

STEP 2: SEPARATE THE JUDGEMENT FROM THE FEELING

“You’re selfish” is not a feeling.

“You don’t give a shit about us” is not a feeling either.

These are judgements about your partner. And underneath these judgements and blame lives something much more vulnerable; your feelings.

“I’m hurt.”

“I feel unimportant.”

“I’m scared that I matter less to you than you matter to me.”

Before you speak, ask yourself:

What am I actually feeling underneath what I want to accuse my partner of?

STEP 3: FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY MEAN

The first thing that comes into your head isn’t necessarily the thing you’re trying to communicate to your partner.

“You’re an asshole” might actually mean “I needed you tonight and I felt completely alone.”

“You never think about anyone but yourself” might actually mean “I wanted you to consider me before you made that decision.”

The insult is easy. Saying what you actually mean requires vulnerability and courage!

STEP 4: SAY THE VULNERABLE PART OUT LOUD

Girls, this is a really FUCKING HARD thing to do! You have to be brave.

Tell them what you feel.

“I was really hurt when that happened.”

“I felt unimportant to you.”

“I was scared that you didn’t care about me.”

“I wanted you to choose me.”

This is what it’s like to express vulnerability. It’s hard and brave. It might even feel dangerous to you to share your vulnerability with a partner rather than simply insult them.

An insult protects you. Vulnerability exposes you.

And vulnerability is also what gives your partner something to respond to rather than defend or explain.

STEP 5: TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU NEED

Do not make your partner read your mind. I’ve tried that with my husband for 24 years. The only thing he learned to predict is when I’m hungry or about to fart.

Once you’ve told your partner what you’re feeling, tell them what would help.

“I need you to reassure me.”

“I want you to include me before making a decision.”

“I need a hug right now.”

“I want you to listen without trying to fix it.”

Your partner might or might not know what to say or do, and that’s OKAY! At least, the two of you will be talking about what actually matters instead of hurting each other with insults.

Say the vulnerable thing you feel rather than hide behind an insult.

Until next time, Artur

p.s. Did you know you could follow me on Substack and YouTube? If interested in subscribing you can click on my website link below and go to tabs titled Spilled Milk for Substack and Relationship Witch for YouTube.