Normalize "F*ck Ups" In Your Relationship
The moment the session starts and I see their faces, I know the shit hit the fan.
They are upset about it.
I’m curious.
They want to share with me what happened, how their feelings got hurt, how one of them feels blamed and the other one feels unheard. I want to know how they talked about it after it happened, how they resolved it, or did they?
They feel like it’s a tragedy that it even happened. I know that in a relationship with two people who have two different ways of experiencing life, this happens all the time. It’s not a tragedy. It’s part of the process of being with someone.
They never want this to happen again and they want to focus on eliminating any possibility of a repeating behavior. I want them to accept that it will happen again, many times, and focus on how to talk about it where both of them feel heard, seen and supported.
In moments like this, I fondly remember my late girls (two puppies who recently crossed the rainbow bridge). Even in their old age, they would chase each other, growl at each other over toys or snacks, and bark at one another. And just as quickly, they would start sniffing one another, licking their privates and then curl up together and fall asleep. They could experience a fight and still love each other. They could share their dislike without feeling like their connection is severed. They could have a conflict and stay in the same physical space, together.
But my couples are not dogs. They are humans. And we complicate everything.
We want “either/or”. In relationships, we believe that we can only be truly loved by our partner when their behavior never upsets us. We believe that our point of view can only be accepted by our partner if they let go of their own view. That them loving us means they have to agree with us.
And that’s a pile of horse shit!
I do not share that part with my couples. Instead, I ask them to tell me what happened. And most of the time they will go straight into the event that started the conflict. That’s where I stop them. We only have 45-50 minutes. This is not Bravo’s Real Housewives Reunion that could go on for hours (I love them!!!).
I ask them to start after the conflict. I want to hear what happened in the aftermath of it. Who approached whom first? What was said? And what was actually heard?
I want to understand their pattern of solving a conflict. I want to identify what triggers each of them during this pattern. Which trigger prevents them from listening to each other. Which trigger throws them into focusing on their own emotions and ignoring the emotions their partner is sharing with them.
That’s where the work begins. We focus on one or two triggers of a specific partner and work on it for a few sessions. Then, we focus on the other partner and their triggers. And we do this over and over again. I want them to practice it between sessions when conflicts come up in their day-to-day lives.
When they return to the session, I don’t want to hear about each conflict. I want to hear how they addressed it. How they navigated their personal triggers.
Through this work, my couples learn that conflicts are not the problem. It’s what they do after the conflict.
They discover that the success of their relationship isn’t dependent on not having or avoiding conflicts. Their success depends on how they talk to each other about the conflict. How they connect with each other after their feelings have been hurt by one another. How they accept that they can be loved and hurt by their partner. How they could hurt their partner and apologize for it without feeling bad about themselves. How they can forgive each other without needing to agree with each other’s point of view.
They accept that each of them will “fuck up” and hurt the other person’s feelings. And they learn to trust themselves in staying connected with one another after it happens. They learn that their relationship doesn’t end every time there is a conflict. They learn that every time they remain connected after the conflict, their relationship strengthens.
The tragedy is not a conflict.
The real tragedy is not staying connected after it.
Until next time, Artur
ps. Do you need my help? Visit my website and schedule a FREE consultation.
artur@arturakkerman.com
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