Relationships Require Sacrifice
We are social animals. We want to be around people. We enjoy being liked. We need company to share when something difficult happens to us. We want someone to celebrate our successes with. And ultimately, we all want to find that person or persons (I see you polies out there) to experience the ebbs and flows of life. We want to be in a relationship.
But how do we make space in our lives for a relationship? Especially for those of us who are older, who’ve lived on our own, developed a well-maintained daily routine, invested in careers that occupy most of our mind space, have a close-knit friendship circle and embraced our independence.
In couples therapy, I often remind my patients that a relationship is a team sport. It requires constant coordination of schedules for trainings (daily routines/tasks), games (dates/social/family events) and team building (hangout/sex/check-ins). Missing just one of those can result in a team losing a game. In a relationship, it can lead to feeling frustrated, lonely, and misunderstood.
That’s right!
Maintaining a relationship requires a lot of sacrifice on our part. And often, we have to sacrifice things that we love to do when we are single to make room in our busy lives for another person or persons. This move goes against our culture’s beliefs that are focused on individuality rather than community. The unrealistic idea that we can have it all. That somehow, we deserve to have all of our dreams come true without ever sacrificing anything else that we want for it.
Well, I am here to burst that bubble. Your relationship requires sacrifices. Like Greek gods, your relationship is always hungry for worship, tributes and offerings. And in return, your relationship grants you connection, intimacy and safety.
Here are the top three sacrifices to consider:
1. Your Time.
When we are single, the hours after work belong to us. We can watch television, play video games, scroll social media, or do absolutely nothing.
But in a relationship, we can’t treat our free time as exclusively ours. Our partners need some of that time. And I dare to say that by “some of that” I don’t mean whatever happens to be left over after you’ve done everything else you wanted to do. Relationships require presence; doing small things together, watching TV together, making dinner together, putting your phone down to make eye contact when our partners are talking, going for a drive together, or simply just hanging out together in the same physical space.
We can’t expect to build and maintain a life together if we insist on spending all of our free time apart.
2. Your Unilateral Decisions.
When we are single, we can decide on a Friday morning that this weekend will be spent with friends or taking a last minute trip somewhere. We don’t have to consult with anyone.
In a relationship, our decisions affect our partners. I’m not advocating for us to ask our partners for permission. I’m talking about communication and coordination with our partners. Considering what they also want to do. Incorporating them into our planning. Inviting them into our decision-making process.
There’s a significant difference between saying “I’m going out with friends for drinks on Saturday night” and “I’m thinking about going out with friends for drinks on Saturday night. Do we have anything planned?” or perhaps “I’m thinking about going out with friends on Saturday night and would love for you to join me.”
Your partner isn’t your parent to grant permission. But they’re also not your roommate who simply gets notified of your plans.
3. Your Priorities.
This one is a hard one but must be said out loud and frankly.
Friendships and partnerships are not the same.
Mic drop.
Friendships are essential. They provide a sense of community, belonging, and a sense of identity outside of our romantic relationships.
But a committed partnership involves different responsibilities that friendships don’t. Our partners are people with whom we share a home, finances, caregiving responsibilities, long-term plans and a future. That creates a different kind of obligation.
Sometimes, we have to decline an invitation from friends because our partner needs us. And our friends might not always appreciate that. Some of our friends might not even like our partners. And guess what, they don’t have to like our partners. We do. However, they must respect our decision to be with our partners.
It’s okay for our friends to share their legitimate concerns with us about our romantic relationship if there are warning signs (controlling behavior, emotional abuse, etc.) And we should absolutely listen to them. But there is a difference between a friend who is genuinely concerned about our well-being and a friend who simply doesn’t like sharing us with someone else.
Our friends who care about us can dislike our partners without demanding that we choose between them. Prioritizing our partners sometimes means disappointing friends who were accustomed to being our main priority.
A relationship doesn’t require us to give up who we are. It does require us to give up the idea that we can live exactly as we did when we were single.
It’s about building a life together.
Until next time, Artur
p.s. Did you know you could follow me on Substack and YouTube? If interested in subscribing you can click on my website link below and go to tabs titled Spilled Milk for Substack and Relationship Witch for YouTube.
artur@arturakkerman.com
Comments