Does My Cosmo Have a Lesson to Teach Us?

It is a warm, sunny Saturday afternoon. Above the city, on a hill, hovers a bright pink triangle presiding over all of us. It can be seen from all the freeways that crisscross the concrete and hilly landscape that I call home. I am making my way to a local bar to meet my husband for a cocktail. I am almost there as I get swept up by a sea of red and laughter. It is both heartwarming and disorienting. I feel like Alice Through The Looking Glass! It takes me almost half a minute to register that I am surrounded by Bears and Daddies in red dresses.

And that is how I know it is PRIDE season in San Francisco.

Across the country, most cities are preparing for PRIDE parades and events to celebrate Queer people’s resilience in the face of hatred and bigotry. The strength to be true to yourself despite the consequences. The courage of Transgender Americans being visible and vocal in spite of growing policies that are stripping away their access to bathrooms, healthcare, passports, employment and other civil rights. PRIDE is a celebration of people choosing themselves over and over again. And once I join my husband at Twin Peaks, over a cosmo whose color resembles the sea of red outside, I begin to wonder does PRIDE have a lesson to teach us when it comes to relationships?  

PRIDE started as a protest by Queer people against prejudice. We all think of prejudice as this complex form of hatred and bigotry. And I am sure it is, if I was writing an academic journal. Alas, I am not. This is a blog on relationships and love by a judgy and sarcastic Queen! So, we – I mean moi - are going to narrow down prejudice to a petty little core. Prejudice is an emotionally dysregulated, unfulfilled expectation. Some people expect Transgender people to stop existing and when this expectation is rejected, the same people do not have the emotional maturity to deal with their unfulfilled expectation, so they become emotionally dysregulated, turn angry and engage in prejudice. And as they get loud about their unfulfilled expectation and demand for it to be fulfilled, Queer people choose their own happiness, truth and future over others’ expectations.

Those of us in relationships are well-versed in managing others’ expectations. Does your mother-in-law have an expectation about how you are raising her grandchildren? Or worse, how you are raising her son – your husband – who happens to be a fully grown-ass adult with a job and a driver’s license? Does your best friend have a strong opinion about your spouse or partner, while they barely can manage their own relationship? At family gatherings, is there someone who always makes you feel less than, but you endure for the sake of your spouse?  

We all face these expectations and much more. PRIDE teaches us – no, it grants us permission! – to look at these expectations and reject them. To openly look at the people who have these expectations and to tell them, “Not Today Satan, Not Today!” Okay, maybe say that part silently in your head, especially if it’s aimed at a mother-in-law. We don’t want the emotionally dysregulated, unfulfilled expectation to end in murder. Oh, my money’s on you! I just don’t want you to go to prison for selfish reasons. I can’t afford to lose subscribers this early on in my blog-writing career!

I digress! I really need a handler to manage me. Anyway, let’s get back to the topic at hand. (Not my cosmo!).

When we reject others’ expectations, we make room in our lives for things that matter to us. We grant ourselves the freedom to choose things that bring us joy and fulfillment. We’ve all heard the phrase Queer Joy. Well, it means being true to yourself. It means saying no to things that do not serve us, and saying yes to things that do. And if Queer people can find Queer Joy in the face of prejudice, both in the past and now, right here in the present, then so can we!   

Go ahead and say no!

Say no to your mother when she begins to speak negatively about your partner or their parenting.

“Mother, you were a wonderful parent to me when I was growing up. And now, my wife/husband/spouse/partner is a wonderful parent and I am going to support them. You are a big part of our grandchildren’s lives as a grandmother. And we are their parents.”

Or,

“Mother, my wife/husband/spouse/partner is the most important person in my life. I chose them, I choose them and I will always choose them. When you speak negatively about them, I worry that it is creating a distance between you and I. And I do not want to ruin our relationship over it.”

Say no to your friend when they judge your marriage.

“For the sake of our friendship, I want you to stop speaking negatively about my wife/husband/spouse/partner and my relationship. If this continues, it will impact our friendship.”

Say no to the people who do not support your relationship. Say it nicely at first. And if it doesn’t land, then do it forcefully.

This PRIDE season, say yes to things that matter! Scream yes. At the top of your lungs.

Let the Queer community teach us the importance of always choosing our dreams over others’ expectations, choosing our lovers, choosing our chosen family, choosing our relationships, choosing our lives, and ultimately choosing ourselves (and my cosmo!).   

Happy PRIDE!

Yours,

Artur Akkerman, LCSW

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