Feelings Suck! But They Reveal Who We Are.

I was expecting many likes from last week’s article. Instead, I got a multitude of questions – in private messages, rather than in comments on my Substack or other social media – about feelings. How to recognize anger and sadness? How to differentiate between the two?

And somewhere, between answering them, I realized that we aren’t really taught to pay attention to our feelings. I mean, we all know what feelings are. In theory. But do we really know them? We all experience them. But can we recognize them? Differentiate between each emotion? Do we have the words to express them? To ourselves? Our loved ones?

Most of us can recognize loud emotions. Anger. Happiness. Fear. But the quieter ones – loneliness, grief, shame, sadness, envy, relief – are much harder to identify. And yet, these quiet emotions are often the ones shaping our experiences and relationships with people and the world around us.

So, this week, I’m going to attempt to explain emotions. What they are. The most common feelings among us. Which ones are primary and secondary feelings. And how to talk about them.

Most of us grow up learning math, grammar, history, and science. Very few of us are taught the language of emotions. We are expected to “calm down,” “stop crying,” or “get over it,” long before anyone explains what’s actually happening inside us. Somewhere along the way, many of us become fluent in ignoring our feelings. Ourselves.

Emotions are not personality flaws. They are information. Think of them as an internal navigation system. A compass! Just as physical pain tells you that something in your body needs attention, emotions tell you that something in your inner world deserves your curiosity to explore. They are neither good nor bad. Pleasant or unpleasant? Certainly. Helpful or uncomfortable? Often. But emotions themselves are not the enemy. Your avoidance of them is.

One of the most useful distinctions I teach in couples therapy is between primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are our first, authentic emotional responses. They tend to appear quickly and honestly. Sadness after a loss. Fear when we feel unsafe. Joy when we reconnect with someone we love. Hurt after rejection. These emotions usually make sense when we slow down enough to notice them. They are the emotions of our vulnerable self. And because we aren’t always comfortable with our vulnerability, we hide these emotions by ignoring or even denying them.

Secondary emotions often develop as a way of protecting us from primary feelings that feel too vulnerable to experience. Anger protects us from fear or sadness. Anxiety distracts us from grief. Irritability hides our shame. Sometimes we’re angry not because anger is the original feeling, but because anger feels stronger, safer, or more familiar than our vulnerable selves.

Imagine your partner forgets an important anniversary. You might immediately snap at them. The anger is real, but underneath it is disappointment, loneliness, sadness, or the fear that you’re no longer important to them. If the conversation stays focused on your anger alone, the real need often goes unheard, and your vulnerable self is never acknowledged.

That is why simply asking yourself, “What am I feeling?” is not enough. A better question is, “What might be underneath this feeling?” If you give yourself a few quiet moments, another emotion often appears. The one that has been waiting to be noticed. The one that connects you to your vulnerable self.

Expanding your emotional vocabulary also matters. We tend to overuse words like fine, stressed, angry, or happy. But there is a world of difference between disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, overwhelmed, lonely, hopeful, relieved, and content. The more precisely we can name our emotions, the more clearly we can understand ourselves and communicate with others.

The goal is not to analyze every feeling or eliminate uncomfortable ones. The goal is to build a relationship with your true vulnerable self. To become curious instead of judgmental. To ask, “What is this emotion trying to tell me?” rather than, “How do I make it disappear?”

In healthy relationships, this emotional awareness changes conversations. Instead of saying, “You're making me angry,” you might say, “I'm hurt,” “I'm scared,” or “I'm feeling disconnected from you.” Those shifts in conversations invite closeness instead of defensiveness.

Feelings are not facts. They are not always accurate. But they’re always real. They’re a glimpse into your inner world. And real feelings deserve attention, even when they point you toward a deeper truth that could be scary or uncomfortable.

So perhaps this week, before you react, fix, distract yourself, or push another emotion aside, pause for just a moment. Ask yourself “What am I actually feeling?” Then ask, “What might be underneath this feeling?” You may discover that your emotions were never trying to control you. They were simply trying to start a conversation and connect you to your true vulnerable self. 

Yours,

Artur Akkerman, LCSW

p.s. Thank you for everyone who has subscribed! Spilled Milk is gradually finding a new home on Substack. For the next little while, I'll continue sharing essays here on my website. Over the coming months, I'll be transitioning my newsletter to Substack, where I'll be able to publish more frequently and create a more engaging experience for readers. My content will continue to be free. You can subscribe to Substack by visiting my website at the link below, clicking on the Spilled Milk tab and selecting Subscribe button. I hope you'll join me there.  

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