How To Start a Conversation That Will Upset Your Partner
How To Start a Conversation That Will Upset Your Partner
We all know this.
We find their wet towels on top of the toilet every morning after they’ve finished showering.
We open the dishwasher to place dirty dishes, only to find it full of clean dishes that they forgot to put away.
We open the dryer to find wrinkly clothes that they’ve left from last weekend or worse, the weekend before.
We step in dog poop in our own backyard because they failed to pick it up.
We hear that creaky noise of the kitchen cabinet that they promised to fix when we initially moved in….three years ago!!!
That strong, familiar and enduring feeling of “I love my partner and I want to murder them!” unites us all. And because of the first part that mentions love, we stay quiet. We don’t want to upset our loving relationship by nagging or being critical. We tell ourselves it isn’t worth bringing up. After all, it’s just towels. Just a cabinet. Just dishes.
Instead, we keep it all inside of us. And it upsets us. On a deeper level. In our soul and heart. This emotional clutter. At first, we might find it amusing. Then it begins to poke at us like a half-forgotten mosquito bite. But over time, across multiple accumulated events, it festers into a wound. A wound that begins to fill with pus, creating a boil. And even then, we don’t want to drain it, to upset our perfect relationship even though on the inside we no longer feel perfect. We are in emotional pain that throbs rapidly, without easing up.
And then the pain becomes unbearable. You open your mouth to share your feelings, your pain. The boil pops. What comes out are not the words of a person you want to be. What comes out is ugly pus that flies everywhere, soiling every part of your perfect relationship. And your unsuspecting partner, who knew nothing of the painful boil inside you – festering there for weeks but possibly years – is looking at you in shock and innocently in ways that make you feel crazy and unreasonable. And suddenly, that familiar cozy feeling of “I love my partner and I want to murder them!” is now only “I want to murder them!”
We’ve all been there. Including me.
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge that we are human, real and imperfect. We want to protect our relationship, our love, our partner. We don’t want to upset them by sharing our negative feelings aimed at their occasional small actions. And by ignoring our own negative feelings, avoiding hurting their feelings, we end up starting a cycle that leads us to a moment, to an event, where our negative feelings explode and the hurt we cause is far greater than the hurt we tried to avoid at first.
So how do we prevent this cycle? How do we begin a conversation that we know our partner probably won't enjoy hearing but is also fair to us, to our needs?
First, remember your goal. The goal isn't to win. It isn't to prove you're right. It isn't to make them feel guilty. The goal is to invite them into your experience. To share your feelings. Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try, “I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I could really use your help with a few things.” Instead of, “You always leave your mess everywhere,” try, “When I find things left undone, I notice myself becoming frustrated, and I don't want that frustration to build between us.” Notice the difference. One sentence attacks character. The other reveals your experience, your feelings.
Second, have the conversation while the feeling is still small. Many couples wait until one of them is in emotional pain before speaking. Healthy couples become comfortable speaking when one of them begins to experience the first signs of discomfort. Small conversations are far easier than repairing after an emotional explosion. Third, be curious. Your partner's behavior probably makes sense to them, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Ask questions before assuming intention. There may be stress, distraction, different priorities, or simply habits they never realized affected you.
For example, I had a couple ones where Partner A tearfully shared their frustration for always doing carpool for kids. For having that load on their shoulders for years. And they were surprised to hear that in fact Partner B wanted to do carpool, but felt that it was a protected time between their kids and Partner A. Partner B even disclosed that they’ve felt resentment for being excluded and jealous of Partner A’s time with the kids.
It’s important not to assign intentions to your partner’s actions that irritate you. Share your feelings about how their actions impact you, but do not assign intentions to their actions. Instead, stay curious.
Finally, remember that difficult conversations are not signs of a struggling relationship. They're signs of an honest one. Intimacy isn't built by avoiding discomfort. It's built by trusting that your relationship is strong enough to hold it. The healthiest couples I know aren't the ones who never upset each other. They're the ones who have learned to speak before resentment takes over, to listen without becoming defensive, and to repair when they inevitably misunderstand each other. If something matters to you, let your partner know while your voice still sounds like you. Don't collect emotional clutter. Don’t settle for that festering wound. Don’t wait until it turns into a boil.
When you ignore your needs in order to protect your relationship, you’re actually jeopardizing it. When your partner upsets you and you stay silent, it doesn’t protect the connection between you. It creates disconnection.
Your feelings matter. And sharing your feelings with your partner is how you build, grow and strengthen emotional intimacy between you.
So go ahead and speak up. Even if it will upset them.
Because building emotional intimacy between you is worth a little discomfort.
Yours,
Artur Akkerman, LCSW
p.s. Thank you for everyone who has subscribed! Spilled Milk is gradually finding a new home on Substack. For the next little while, I'll continue sharing essays here on my website. Over the coming months, I'll be transitioning my newsletter to Substack, where I'll be able to publish more frequently and create a more engaging experience for readers. My content will continue to be free. You can subscribe to Substack by visiting my website at the link below, clicking on the Spilled Milk tab and selecting Subscribe button. I hope you'll join me there.
artur@arturakkerman.com
Comments