Sometimes Hope Must Die!
Working with couples, I’ve discovered something that I rarely share in public. Hope sucks a$$!!! And not in a good way.
We are all familiar with quotes, poems and memes promoting hope. Hope that focuses on what something could be if only we continue to believe in it or to pursue it. Whatever that IT might be. And I get it. Hope is important. Hope keeps us moving forward.
What if Hope – actually – holds us back? What if it prevents us from reaching what we need and distracts us with what we want?
I see it every day when I work with couples. Someone hopes that their partner will start initiating sex, or become more emotionally available, or clean the house regularly, or take care of the kids the correct way, or listen to them, or understand them, and the list goes on.
And these hopes are so focused on what their partner could be that they completely ignore what their partner actually is.
For example, a husband complains to me about a wife spending too much money shopping and he hopes that couples therapy will help curb her spending. But what we discover in therapy – in truth, not hope – is that his wife enjoys shopping. She was always a shopper before they even met. They actually met at a shopping mall during one of her shopping trips with girlfriends. She also used to have a high-paying career that funded her shopping. She stopped working when they had kids because the husband asked her to be an at-home parent even though her income could have paid for childcare. The husband’s career affords them a lot less in income. And ever since she stopped working, husband has been anxious about being a sole provider for the family.
When we move away from hope and focus on the truth, the husband is able to admit that he wanted his wife to be an at-home parent because he felt threatened by her financial prowess. And now, getting what he wanted is costing him and his family what they need: financial security. Once he lets go of the hope to be “The Man Of The House” and accepts the truth that his wife is more than capable of keeping the family financially secure, he is able to move forward. Both of them are. She goes back to work, he stops worrying about money and her shopping.
This is where the Truth transcends Hope.
Hope is seductive because it promises us a future where all of our dreams come true. Truth makes us look in a mirror and accept what actually is right here in the present. The good, the bad and the ugly.
Truth is hard. Truth can be scary. Truth can cut us deep into our soul.
Hope: My partner will start initiating sex.
Truth: Our sex life is not satisfying, no matter who initiates it.
Solution: Work on making sex enjoyable for both partners.
Hope: My partner will become more emotionally available.
Truth: My partner has autism and requires a different approach from me to have an emotional connection.
Solution: Learn a communication pattern that accommodates both partners’ needs.
Hope: My partner will clean the house regularly.
Truth: When my partner does clean, I get critical of their cleaning and now they do not feel psychologically safe to clean.
Solution: Work on being less critical of my partner.
Hope: My partner will take care of the kids the correct way.
Truth: I need to have a sense of control because something happened to me in the past.
Solution: Address my past trauma and how it contributes to my need for control in co-parenting.
Hope: My partner will listen to me.
Truth: I am a yeller and it scares my partner.
Solution: Learn to manage my anger when I communicate.
Hope: My partner will understand me.
Truth: I’m insecure and require a lot of validation.
Solution: I need to explore what makes me insecure and how it impacts my relationship.
Truth, no matter how hard it is, gives us a chance to become aware of and acknowledge what is not working so we can address it. Move forward. Toward the future that works. Toward the relationship that nurtures us.
Next time someone asks you to have Hope. Tell them you would rather settle for the Truth!
Yours,
Artur Akkerman, LCSW
p.s. Thank you for everyone who has subscribed! Spilled Milk is gradually finding a new home on Substack. For the next little while, I'll continue sharing essays here on my website. Over the coming months, I'll be transitioning my newsletter to Substack, where I'll be able to publish more frequently and create a more engaging experience for readers. My content will continue to be free. You can subscribe to Substack by visiting my website at the link below, clicking on the Spilled Milk tab and selecting Subscribe button. I hope you'll join me there.
artur@arturakkerman.com
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