We plan vacations, why not plan our relationships?

I am writing this on Summer Solstice in Northern Hemisphere. A time when so many of us are scheduling our annual vacations. In a busy world full of deliverables, career demands, endless chores, we cherish our hard-earned two weeks off.

We have booked a trip to another continent or maybe a cruise months ago. We have agonized over picking the right hotel, restaurants, activities and excursions to maximize every second of our vacation. To ensure that our two weeks off are a true escape from our daily minutia that will invigorate and restore us to our best selves just in time to return to the daily grind of the next twelve month, until our next vacation.

And yet, we rarely use the same scrutiny and planning when it comes to our romantic relationships. Relationships that we live in and experience. Day in and day out. Twelve months a year.

When was the last time you asked whether your relationship is an escape for you from daily grind? Does your relationship energize you? Does it strengthen you at the end of a hard day? Do you look forward to seeing and being with your partner? Do you enjoy talking with your partner? Hearing about their day, sharing yours with them?

Here is the hard truth.

We often relegate our relationships to a long list of chores and tasks to complete. I must get home and make dinner for us after my boss just assigned another damn thing to do. I have to fix the sprinkle system before the nagging starts. I am doing kids carpool all this week before work, while my partner gets to just go to their work without any extra detours. The garbage got taken out, but the recycling is still here, so I will do it, instead of asking them to do it to avoid another eyeroll, while I scream on the inside. I think they want to be physically intimate tonight and I’ve been too exhausted to body-groom this week (or last 6 months) so let me get to bed early and pretend to fall asleep.  

If you see yourself in the examples above, you are not alone. We all struggle with this. There is no shame in acknowledging when our relationships become a series of tasks and chores we want to avoid. But there is shame – and I would never shame someone in a therapy session, but this is a blog and we are all in it together, so here we go, I am so sorry!!! -  definitely, shame on us, if we acknowledge that our relationships have turned into tasks to avoid and decide to do nothing about it. Shame on us!!!

And because we are such amazing human beings, we are not just going to acknowledge there is a problem. We are going to address it! So, instead of planning your next vacation to escape your life, lets start planning our relationships to turn it into an oasis that rejuvenates us as we continue to live our lives, day to day.

Amazing vacations happen because we take the time to plan them. The same applies for connection between us and our partners. Start planning moments of connection. They don’t have to be weekly dates. That can become a chore in itself. Keep it simple.

Look back at what you enjoyed the most about being with your partner when you were dating. Before you moved in together. Prior to kids or pets. Before you discovered the horror of annual property tax or the mystery of how one person whom you love so deeply could produce so much gas. Or the shock of sharing the bathroom with each other when you are the one who has to clean it!

In the beginning, it was just the two of you. Hanging out. Ripping each other clothes off. Laughing at each other’s jokes. Simply hanging out. On your bikes. The backseat of your parents’ car. Friends’ basements or treehouses. A college dorm. That terrible rental with cockroaches and loud neighbors that made you feel sophisticated and grown-up because it was your first home.

This is the connection and space we are looking to recreate. A moment in time. Of you and your partner. Together. Just hanging out. No chores. No bills. Just the two of you. Only, now you are older, heavier and wiser.

As I mentioned, start small. Pick a time in the evening, where you get to spend time together. It could be as simple as walking your dog together without phones. Sitting on a porch or a deck together, watching the day end, welcoming the evening or night, waiting for the moon and the stars to appear. Maybe, wait till the kids finish homework or gone to bed, and then have a happy hour with just the two of you. Ask each other what are your dreams? You knew each other dreams when you were younger, at the start of this relationship. But what are your current dreams? What does your partner dream about? Do you even dream of the same thing or different things?

Start hanging out. Be friends. And – cue in En Vogue’s FREE YOUR MIND as I am a 90s kid - the rest will follow!!! I would do the dance move too, but I am older and my back won’t survive it!!! But I would kill for those high-knee boots!!! HA!

Yours,

Artur Akkerman, LCSW