We Think We Know Infidelity...Until It Happens to Us!
We Think We Know Infidelity...Until It Happens to Us!
Cheating on your spouse or partner is such a common story arc in books, movies and shows, that there is a certain familiarity we all share about infidelity. Even if it hasn’t happened to us, we all feel like we know it on a deeper, guttural, almost cellular level.
We all know it’s bad.
The knowledge of it brings up strong feelings in us. We have an aversion to it. We are convinced in knowing how to avoid it. We are sure it will never happen to us. And we are definitely not going to be the ones engaging in it.
And then it happens.
To us.
Whether we are being cheated on, or the ones engaging in cheating, we find ourselves utterly lost.
Despite all of our familiarity with and knowledge about infidelity, when it happens to us, we discover that we in fact know nothing about infidelity. And worse, we are disappointed in ourselves for not acting in a way we expect. Prior to experiencing infidelity, we knew that if we were cheated on, we would leave the marriage, end the relationship, hire a mean attorney and take our cheating bastard for every cent they got!
Instead, we do nothing of the sort. But rather than focus on infidelity, we end up obsessing about our unexpected reaction. We feel shame, disgust, even anger; aimed not at infidelity, but at ourselves for not acting in expected ways.
So, how do we forgive and accept ourselves in order to address infidelity?
We begin by recognizing that infidelity is rarely just one event, one emotion, one expected outcome.
It is a collision of multitudes; betrayal, trauma, love, attachment, history, fear, grief, hope, and uncertainty. All happening at the same time, while each element moving to its own true north.
Infidelity is complex.
Yet, our minds want a simple answer.
Leave.
Burn their clothes.
Stay.
Forgive.
Yell.
Let everyone know about the cheating bastard by posting on social media.
Have sex with them. Show them what they are missing.
But our emotions are rarely that simple. We experience all of them, at once.
You may still love the person who hurt you. And you probably do!
You may hate them one moment and miss them the next. And you probably do!
You may desperately want answers while also wanting to avoid hearing another painful detail. Or maybe you want to hear all the details, in its graphic and grisly form!
None of this means you're weak.
It means you're human.
The same is true for the person who cheated.
People often imagine that those who have affairs simply stopped loving their partner or woke up one day deciding to destroy their relationship. While that can happen, it is rarely the whole story. Your partner is just as complex as you.
Some people cheat while deeply loving their partner.
Some are trying to escape loneliness. Not loneliness in your marriage or relationship. But loneliness in their heart and soul; where they abandoned themselves long ago.
Others are searching for validation, excitement, revenge, or relief from emotional pain they don't know how to express.
None of these reasons excuse infidelity.
But understanding is different from excusing.
If we stop at condemnation, we learn nothing.
If we become curious, we begin to understand the emotional landscape that made the affair possible.
Curiosity does not erase accountability.
In fact, accountability becomes more meaningful when we understand what we are taking responsibility for.
Whether you were betrayed or the one who betrayed, healing begins with honesty.
Not just honesty about what happened.
Honesty about what was happening inside of you.
What needs were ignored?
What feelings were avoided?
What conversations never happened?
What fears remained unspoken?
These questions are uncomfortable.
But they are also where growth begins.
Many couples mistakenly believe the affair is the relationship's greatest problem.
It never is!
Sometimes it is the deepest and most painful wound.
But it is rarely the first.
Affairs frequently expose cracks that existed long before anyone crossed a boundary. Distance. Loneliness. Conflict avoidance. Feeling unseen. Resentment. Shame.
Again, these do not justify cheating.
They simply remind us that relationships are more complicated than heroes and villains.
Healing after infidelity requires both accountability and compassion.
Accountability without compassion often becomes punishment.
Compassion without accountability becomes avoidance.
Healthy repair asks for both.
If trust is ever rebuilt, it is not because the affair is forgotten.
It is because both people become willing to understand themselves more honestly than they ever have before.
Some relationships survive infidelity. Many actually do. I see it every day as a couples therapist.
Others don't.
Neither outcome automatically means you succeeded or failed.
The measure of healing is not whether you stay together.
The measure is whether you leave this experience knowing yourself more deeply than when it began.
Infidelity changes the relationship.
It changes people.
It changes the one who was betrayed.
It changes the one who betrayed.
The question is whether that change becomes another scar you carry in silence, or the beginning of understanding yourself – and perhaps each other - with greater honesty.
Because infidelity is far more complex than we expect.
Outside of a familiar story arc in books, movies and shows, infidelity is everything but familiar in real life. It’s unexpected.
And it can change you, your partner and your relationship in many ways. It could end it all.
Or it could change you for the better.
But only if you grant yourself permission to experience it without certainty and expectations.
Yours,
Artur Akkerman, LCSW
p.s. Thank you for everyone who has subscribed! Spilled Milk is gradually finding a new home on Substack. For the next little while, I'll continue sharing essays here on my website. Over the coming months, I'll be transitioning my newsletter to Substack, where I'll be able to publish more frequently and create a more engaging experience for readers. My content will continue to be free. You can subscribe to Substack by visiting my website at the link below, clicking on the Spilled Milk tab and selecting Subscribe button. I hope you'll join me there.
artur@arturakkerman.com
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